I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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