The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
