glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize