I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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