just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
