Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
