I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize