I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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