I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
