I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize