I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
