Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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