peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
