I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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