you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
