At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
