lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
