did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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