A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
