I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
