i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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