I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
