I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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