fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
