i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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