Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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