Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
