he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
