my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
