just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
