somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
