My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
