I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
