Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
