Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
