Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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