stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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