no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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