Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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