Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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