I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
