as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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