So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
They have beer where we have blood.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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