A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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