Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
