It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
