This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My vagina is very pro this idea
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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