He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
