She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
