I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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