I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
