I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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