I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize