I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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