you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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