She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
