maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Your penis caused this!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize