you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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